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  Kerry Picks Jesus Christ as VP Running Mate; Bush Campaign Responds

[reposted from my dKos diary]

A Bush administration spokesperson responded today to presumed Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry's surprise announcement of Jesus Christ, a carpenter from Nazareth, as his running mate:

The Democratic Party is offering us a ticket that includes two ultra-liberal politicians out of touch with mainstream American values. We didn't think it was possible, but John Kerry has chosen a running mate even more radical and wild-eyed than himself. Just look at some of the recent statements made by this Jesus Christ character.

First, he offers a pathetically weak response to the terrorist threat that hovers over America today. When asked for what he believes we should do, he actually said, "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Is this the man we want next in line to the position of Commander-in-Chief? A man who not only opposed the removal of Saddam Hussein, but whose ludicrous response to the terrorist threat is to "Love your enemies?"

And he has made quite clear his antipathy toward Americans who take pride in their religion. He is adamantly opposed to prayer in schools and at other public functions. His proposals make even the ACLU look like a bunch of moderates: "And when thou prayes, thous shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward."

He has literally suggested that religious Americans should be forced into dark closets: "But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly."

I mean, not only is he delivering a clearly anti-Christian message, but what kind of liberal fancy-pants northeastern middle-eastern elitist talks like this? The American people are tired of effete out of touch polticians talking down to them with "thy" and "thine," and who is this guy to be talking about thy Father? Does he think he's the messiah?

Oh, but there's more, much more. His fantastic pronouncements on economic policy leave one scratching one's head as well. One wonders whether he studied with Professor Karl Marx. He is clearly hostile to the entire capitaist free market system, to the businessmen and women who are the bedrock of this country, and the right of all Americans to make their fortune. Here are just a few of his choice quotes:

"If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me."

Now sure, nobody has anything against charity, but Mr. Christ makes clear that he considers being wealthy almost sinful. Some of this stuff really sounds almost Communist:

"Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."

And sometimes, he seems to be openly engaging in the kind of class warfare that will not resonate with ordinary Americans.

"And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted."

Heck, he's declared open season on the small businessmen and women who make up the backbone of this great nation. I read you a recent report from the Gospel of St. Matthew, which I need not remind you is itself part and parcel of the liberal media:

And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves. And said unto them, "It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves."

So honest bankers and merchants are nothing more than thieves, according to Mr. Christ, whose shrill statements and wild-eyed, criminal disruption of these small businesses should on their own be enough to disqualify him from any position of responsibility, much less the vice-presidency.

John Kerry has again shown his true colors by choosing this radical long-haired hippie as his running mate. We are confident that the American people will reject this man as out of touch with main-stream American values, and Vice-President Cheney is especially looking forward to the debate so that he might show the radical differences between their views.

When asked for a response, a spokesperson for Jesus Christ released the following statement.

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.